Breaking up is hard to do, but is it time to check out of heartbreak hotel?

Though it may not feel like it at the time, a life without the exquisite pain of love and heartbreak is merely a life half-lived. You haven’t existed until you’ve checked your phone several times a day, poured over every emoticon and ‘x’ in an email, camped out on Facebook checking an ex’s profile, or tried to steer a conversation so that you can bring up the guy in question. There’s a reason we didn’t throw our TVs out at the maddening tango that Carrie Bradshaw and Mr Big did for nigh on a decade. Sometimes, poor Carrie was teetering on the age of pathetic, but we loved her because it was all so familiar and close to home.

Mercifully, science has revealed that any girl who feels this love addiction is not alone. When a group of scientists at Rutgers University showed heartbroken men and women photographs of past romantic partners, activity increased in the same regions of the brain known to be associated with cigarette addiction, which helps to explain why you can still crave your ex, no matter how bad he was for your health. In fact, we’re actually biologically wired to want to stalk our exes. What a comforting thought that is.

Elsewhere, researchers have likened a break-up to cocaine withdrawal. Researchers at Stony Brook University in the US asked 15 heartbroken men to look at pictures of their exes and then perform a maths puzzle. They repeated the puzzle after having looked at another photo of a friend. The tests showed that certain areas of the brain were more active after looking at photos of their exes – and the same areas are also abuzz in cocaine addicts experiencing withdrawals.

The good news is that there is hope for love-junkies. Helen E Fisher, a biological anthropologist, found that as more time passed since the break-up, there was less activity in the brain region associated with attachment.

When Fisher applied brain-imaging technology to a group of volunteers looking at photos of their romantic partners, she discovered that the areas of the brain that lit up were the same as those that corresponded to drug addiction.

“When I first started looking at the properties of infatuation, they had some of the same elements of a cocaine high: sleeplessness, loss of a sense of time, and an absolute focus on love to the detriment of all around you,” said Helen of her research when interviewed. “Infatuation can overtake the rational parts of your brain.”

According to Psychology Today, “Levels of phenylethylamine (PEA) – a chemical in the brain involved in the euphoria that comes with falling in love – rise with feelings of infatuation, boosting euphoria and excitement. Love and sex addicts may simply be dependent upon (this) physical and psychological arousal triggered by PEA…” and other factors.

The best way to get over an ex? Try and retrain your brain. Most break-up thoughts are rooted in fantasy and daydreaming, and it’s a cycle that can be broken with some effort. Use your past relationships to move beyond painful experiences and focus on future relationships that will almost certainly be all the better for the lessons you’ve learned thus far.

Reassuring though this research may be, there isn’t a scientist in the world who can help during those dark nights of the soul. And while love addiction is not classified in Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders-IV, the official handbook used by mental health professionals in the US, we’re “culturally predisposed to be addicted to love”, says psychologist Brenda Shaeffer.

So why such difficulty in letting someone go, apart from the havoc the chemical rush of love wreaks on our brains? Often, Brenda notes, there’s the need for control, fear of the unknown, basing one’s self-esteem on how others view them and substituting drama for closeness.

Ask yourself…

In order to assess yourself for love addiction, ask yourself the following questions (formulated by the Sex & Love Addict Association)

1 Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you?

2 Do you feel that you don’t want anyone to know about your sexual activities?

3 Do you get ‘high’ from sex and/or romance?

4 Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people?

5 Do you make promises to yourself concerning your sexual or romantic behavior that you find you cannot follow?

6 Do you believe that sex and/or a relationship will make your life bearable?

7 Do you believe that someone can ‘fix’ you?

8 Have you lost count of the number of sexual partners you’ve had?

9 Do you feel desperate about your need for a lover/sexual fix/ future mate?

10 Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?

11 Do you find yourself in a relationship that you cannot leave?

12 Do you believe that the problems in your “love life” result from continuing to remain with the ‘wrong’ person?

13 Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a relationship/sex?

I Will Survive

If you’ve answered ‘yes’ to most of these questions, it’s probably worth exploring – with professional help, preferably – the underlying reasons for this behaviour. Ask yourself questions like, “What do I believe about relationships, love, and myself? Do I believe people will disappoint me or I will disappoint them?” Alternatively, the Sex & Love Addiction Fellowship of Ireland (http://ireland.localslaa.org/) hold meetings in Dublin, Belfast and Galway.

It may seem extreme to seek help from a third party over something that seems like time-honoured, post break-up behaviour, but if it’s affecting your life and your ability to move on, getting help can’t be all that bad an idea.